About my name

I'm trying out this name. Brianne Saoirse Croke. Bree. It sounds like it could mean "me," but will it?

I've been trying out new names for myself, on and off, for years now. Heck, maybe since I was 12 and named several Dungeons & Dragons characters "Sarah." I liked "Emily," but so did every other trans girl, and now there are too many trans girls named "Emily." I could not add to the trans "Emilys" of this world.

"Áine," one of those Irish names no one in American can pronounce, stuck in my head for at least a year. (It's pronounced like the Russian name "Anya" but has a completely different source.) Unfortunately, not only could nobody else pronounce it or spell it, but even in my own head I was getting it wrong and would stumble over it when I tried to use it.

I thought about "Annie," which is close to what I was hearing in my head when I thought about "Áine." I liked it, but I didn't like it enough. It was lacking something special. It was okay. It was fine. It would do, I guess...

I could do better. How about "Lauren?" I flirted with "Lauren" for a bit. It had some pizzaz, but... Something was nagging at me about that name. Had I known a Lauren? It seemed like I had. Then I remembered, yes, I had known a Lauren. Now I can't get her face out of my head whenever I think about her name. So I had to move on...

A friend on a social media site that I will not mention because I hate that I still use it (let's call it Baithook) posted, telling me to: "when picking names you can always google the words you feel best describe you in a baby name website...And pick something beautiful and strong" and then she posted a screenshot, "for example."

I ignored her advice (she had already done the work, right?) and responded, "ooohhhhhhh! I like aislinn and brianna"

I knew an "Aislinn" once (or maybe "Aislyn?") and I couldn't separate the person from the name and claim it for myself. But "Brianna" stuck itself in my imagination and didn't let go. 

"Brianna." "Strong, virtuous, and honorable," according to the screenshot. Somehow my mind shortened it to "Brianne," and I liked that even more, without the "a" sound that ends too many women's names. It's (intentionally) similar to the name of one of the most well-written woman warriors in all of fantasy literature, and I didn't mind being reminded of the strong, virtuous, and honorable Brienne the Beauty when I thought of the name. 

"Brianne." Another baby name website lists its meaning as "Noble, Exalted, High." I was hooked. Also, it's an Irish name, so with it, I could lean into my Irish heritage and my given Irish surname, "Croke."

And I could shorten it to Bree, which is convenient and a fun little nickname and also a name from fantasy literature--a different fantasy literature but that's okay because it's only the greatest fantasy literature--even if it's the name of a town in that literature and not a person. 

I could not pair "Brianne" with "Áine," as a middle name, though. Áine was my first favorite Irish name, but the poetry just wasn't there. The rhythm wasn't right; there were too many "aah" sounds right next to each other.

How about "Saoirse" though? Or "Siobhan?" or "Aoife?" "Brianne Saoirse Croke" flows off of my tongue smoothly. And "Saoirse" is the literal Irish word for "Freedom." Perfect. put them both together and the full name is "Strong Noble Freedom." And "Croke," but nothing's perfect, right?